It is a great advantage to have our relatives look after our children while we are busy with our jobs, especially when they do not charge us anything. However, is it fair to expect this help from our parents after all the conflicts we had with them?

From Rachel, Subject: My daughter cut off all ties with me but then appeared and asked to babysit her kids

My daughter Amy never cared about me since she turned 18. She excluded me from her life events, like her graduation, her engagement, and so on. So we barely talk to each other. She has two boys now, and she recently reached out to me.

I was surprised, and we had a conversation. After some time, Amy started to whine about how hard it was to raise her kids without any help. She asked me to babysit them on Saturdays and be a good grandparent. I told her that she had destroyed our bond a long time ago, and I can’t take care of her kids now. She called me selfish and blocked me everywhere. Was I wrong to refuse to help my daughter with the kids after everything that happened between us?

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns about the situation with your daughter. We understand how unsettling and challenging this must be for you. Based on your description, here are some practical and realistic pieces of advice to help you navigate this situation:

• Know your rights. You are not obligated to help your daughter with her kids, especially after she treated you poorly. You have the right to set boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm. You are not selfish for saying no to her unreasonable request.

• Try to find the reasons. You should try to understand why your daughter rejected you and cut you off from her life. Maybe there is something she felt insecure about in your relationship. Maybe she was influenced by someone else or had some personal problems. Try to empathize with her and see things from her perspective.

• Talk to her openly. Communicate your feelings and expectations to your daughter. Tell her how much you love her and how much you wanted to be a part of her life. Let her know how hurt you were when she excluded you from her wedding, holidays, and other events. Express what you need from her to rebuild your trust and relationship.

• Consider other family members. Think about the impact of your decision on your other children and grandchildren. How do they feel about your daughter’s behavior and your response? Do they support you, or do they want you to reconcile with your daughter? How will your decision affect the family dynamics?

• Remember your grandkids are not responsible for their mother’s actions. Consider the well-being of your daughter’s children. They are innocent and deserve a loving and supportive grandmother. They may benefit from having a positive role model and a stable family environment. Do you want to have a relationship with them? Do you want to miss out on their growth and development?

• Seek professional help. Explore the possibility of getting professional help for yourself and your daughter. There may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. Counseling or mediation may help you both heal and improve your communication.

• Prepare for the consequences. Be prepared for the aftermath of your decision. If you decide to help, you may face challenges like dealing with your daughter’s attitude and demands, sacrificing time, and coping with frustration. If you refuse, you may deal with her anger and possibly feel guilt or regret.

• Don’t hesitate to seek advice from close ones. Remember, you are not alone. Family members and friends who care about you can offer support and advice. You can also join online or offline communities of parents who share similar experiences.

We hope this helps you make the best decision for yourself and your family.