I spent years saying yes every single time my son Joel asked me to look after his children. I absolutely adored my grandchildren Zoe and Oliver but my willingness to help transformed into an unappreciated expectation. This painful realization hit me hard last Saturday when I arrived at five to feed the children and put them to bed. Joel and his wife Stephanie returned home at nine while I was completely empty on an unlined stomach. Instead of offering me a plate of the food Stephanie began cooking Joel casually suggested I should leave so I could get home to my husband Peter. There was absolutely no invitation to stay and share a meal or even an offer of a ride despite my sixty four years of age and my hour long journey by bus. I accepted his dismissal quietly and walked out alone. Waiting nineteen long minutes at the bus stop gave me plenty of time to reflect on how I had raised a son who could send his own mother away without supper. I made a firm decision during that journey home that I would no longer allow him to forget that I mattered.
My resolve was put to the test when Joel contacted me on Thursday to request another evening of babysitting for Saturday. I readily agreed to arrive at five but immediately asked him for a favor in return for Sunday afternoon. I needed his help clearing out our spare room because Peter was expecting his sister to arrive in two weeks. Joel reluctantly agreed to help me after his Sunday lunch. I noted both promises in my notebook to see if they would be honored. When Saturday arrived with heavy rain Joel opened his door in a rush and handed me an extensive list of instructions that included doing their laundry. I firmly informed him that I was there specifically to care for Zoe and Oliver and that household chores would wait. He left looking quite surprised by my refusal. I spent a wonderful evening making star shaped pancakes with the children and enjoying my role as grandmother. Later Zoe asked me to stay for breakfast but I explained that I had important things to do for myself at home. When she wondered aloud if adults were allowed to do things for themselves I assured her they absolutely should.
Joel and Stephanie returned home later that night and questioned why the washing was not done. I repeated that my only responsibility was the children. Stephanie then kindly offered me food and revealed a crucial piece of information that changed my perspective. She explained that her whispered conversation to Joel the previous week was actually an instruction for him to invite me to stay for dinner. I had spent the entire week believing she wanted me gone. Joel tried to defend his actions by claiming he thought I was anxious to return to Peter but I reminded him that Peter was perfectly capable of preparing his own meals. I pointed out the three chairs at their table and explained that I simply wanted them to make room for me in their lives before I went home. The next afternoon I waited patiently for Joel to arrive and help with the spare room. Instead of showing up he called to cancel because he felt tired and dismissed my request as just moving unimportant furniture. Peter and I eventually moved the heavy wardrobe ourselves and discovered a box of old items including a program from a school concert I missed when Joel was eight.